The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.

June 15, 2006

I woke up, got dressed. I think I wore a blue sparkly tank top from Target with a white skirt. I went to my cousin’s middle school graduation. My cousin’s and I were super close at that time, they were always over at my house and I used to take my little cousin to school each morning in my mustang convertible. It was a celebratory time, as graduations usually are.  My mom was mad that she couldn’t attend because of work, but she had the next day, Friday, off of work to go to her brother’s graduation. We went to lunch, I think it was at Islands but I can’t remember for sure. Then we went to see Cars in the theatre. Continue reading “The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.”

EMDR: “I did the best I could”

EMDR1
4/23/2018 just before EMDR session

*Content Warning: PTSD, homicide, trauma*

My first EMDR session:

The memory we are working with today is the most terrifying memory I have from the night of my mom’s murder/my attempted murder, it is the moment the stranger in my house enters my mother’s room where we were both at.

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago what the hardest part of the whole night was, and I was stumped. No one has ever asked me that before. The whole night is so fucking horrifying and surreal, it almost feels insulting to ask what the worst part was. I had to think a moment, but I was honest with my therapist.

I want to say the hardest part is watching my mom get stabbed. But that would be a lie.” Continue reading “EMDR: “I did the best I could””

Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off

The first few years after my mom’s murder I call ‘blackout years’, I don’t remember too many details about life at that time. My only goal was to survive. I completed my first year of college right before her death, so naturally, I tried carrying on with school and other things 18-year old’s do. The first class I signed up for was a photography class, I thought it would be an easy entry back into school after my life had changed so much (I also had a crush on a lovely girl who told me she was signed up for that class if I’m being honest, but hey, whatever works, right?). Continue reading “Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off”