The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.

June 15, 2006

I woke up, got dressed. I think I wore a blue sparkly tank top from Target with a white skirt. I went to my cousin’s middle school graduation. My cousin’s and I were super close at that time, they were always over at my house and I used to take my little cousin to school each morning in my mustang convertible. It was a celebratory time, as graduations usually are.  My mom was mad that she couldn’t attend because of work, but she had the next day, Friday, off of work to go to her brother’s graduation. We went to lunch, I think it was at Islands but I can’t remember for sure. Then we went to see Cars in the theatre. Continue reading “The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.”

EMDR: “I did the best I could”

EMDR1
4/23/2018 just before EMDR session

*Content Warning: PTSD, homicide, trauma*

My first EMDR session:

The memory we are working with today is the most terrifying memory I have from the night of my mom’s murder/my attempted murder, it is the moment the stranger in my house enters my mother’s room where we were both at.

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago what the hardest part of the whole night was, and I was stumped. No one has ever asked me that before. The whole night is so fucking horrifying and surreal, it almost feels insulting to ask what the worst part was. I had to think a moment, but I was honest with my therapist.

I want to say the hardest part is watching my mom get stabbed. But that would be a lie.” Continue reading “EMDR: “I did the best I could””

Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off

The first few years after my mom’s murder I call ‘blackout years’, I don’t remember too many details about life at that time. My only goal was to survive. I completed my first year of college right before her death, so naturally, I tried carrying on with school and other things 18-year old’s do. The first class I signed up for was a photography class, I thought it would be an easy entry back into school after my life had changed so much (I also had a crush on a lovely girl who told me she was signed up for that class if I’m being honest, but hey, whatever works, right?). Continue reading “Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off”

It’s a wrap- March 2018

Podcasts & Virtual Summit

MarchBeingThereThis month my episode of the Being There Podcast was released, Being A Victim of Attempted Murder. I recorded this with Dick and Kellie all the way back in November when I went to New York. It was an incredible trip. Not only did I record this episode (which brought up all of the feels of the night everything happened), but I also went to a munch, a dungeon party, AND had my first experience with knife-play. I was curious about it since I met Dick, and I wasn’t sure how I would respond to the knives. We talk about Continue reading “It’s a wrap- March 2018”

Mental Health Diaries: Safe Spaces

Safe Spaces Part 1: They don’t exist

Content Warning: trauma, murder, vivid descriptions of mental health/illness, suicidal ideation

I witnessed my mothers murder in 2006. I was also stabbed during the break-in. It was the worst night of my life, as you could have guessed. This one night, one event, one hour of my life, changed every single thing. It has managed to affect it all in some way, great or small. I feel like before I begin any story about this, I have to go back in detail about the crime itself. I know, though, that I cannot each time. Today I want to tell you- or show you, rather- about safe spaces, how I rejected them, and how I learned to find them once more after developing PTSD. Continue reading “Mental Health Diaries: Safe Spaces”

The Never-Ending Healing Work

URGROWING

{CW: Rape, Murder, Trauma}

Last Monday I was talking to my sex coach as I do each week. We were talking about my masturbation and sex issues that we have been working on. I kept saying “Penetration hurts me”… but I know that it doesn’t (There are several reasons it might hurt folks, I am not saying to ignore it if this sounds like you- just sayin’ that’s not the core issue for me right now). It doesn’t physically hurt me, it mentally hurts me. My mental pain mimics physical pain often, but I am usually aware of where it’s coming from if I stop long enough to listen.

I kept asking her “but why now? Why after I’ve enjoyed it for so long?” and she reminded me that trauma resurfaces when it’s safe to do so. For so long I wasn’t in a safe environment. Continue reading “The Never-Ending Healing Work”

Mental Health Diaries: my mom’s murderer

 

eye bath
Since I don’t have a tub in the new place, Bella helped me create a sacred space in the shower for a healing bath sans tub- 1/22/18

Last Monday was my attempted murderers/my mother’s murderers birthday. I woke up, checked my phone, and saw the date. 1/22. “Hmm…” I thought, “this date signifies something related to my mom”. Shortly after I realized it was her (yes, the killer was a woman. Something that surprises folks) birthday. I did a quick google check because I couldn’t remember if she was 3 or 4 years older than me (Looking back, this was mistake number 1 I suppose, why the fuck does it matter how old she is?) and that’s when I saw it.

 

Her Prisoner Pen Pal Website

Immediately I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. This isn’t the first time she’s had one, I think it Continue reading “Mental Health Diaries: my mom’s murderer”