The Never-Ending Healing Work

URGROWING

{CW: Rape, Murder, Trauma}

Last Monday I was talking to my sex coach as I do each week. We were talking about my masturbation and sex issues that we have been working on. I kept saying “Penetration hurts me”… but I know that it doesn’t (There are several reasons it might hurt folks, I am not saying to ignore it if this sounds like you- just sayin’ that’s not the core issue for me right now). It doesn’t physically hurt me, it mentally hurts me. My mental pain mimics physical pain often, but I am usually aware of where it’s coming from if I stop long enough to listen.

I kept asking her “but why now? Why after I’ve enjoyed it for so long?” and she reminded me that trauma resurfaces when it’s safe to do so. For so long I wasn’t in a safe environment. Continue reading “The Never-Ending Healing Work”

All the ways I’ve lost my voice

All the ways I’ve lost my voice…
a.k.a WHY IS IT SO GOD DAMN HARD FOR ME TO EXPRESS MYSELF?

bringmeflowers2

I started this blog to be my safe space for creativity. Everywhere I go there are rules and expectations. ‘Sell this, write this way, talk about this…’ and I rebel against it all. Sometimes I just want to type my thoughts and hit publish, no editing. Leave the fucking spelling mistakes. The bad grammar. The way I repeat myself too often or talk in circles. The beautiful chaos of my mind… just let it be. Yet I still have a hard time coming here and writing. I feel blocked. I have felt this way for a long while now.

Continue reading “All the ways I’ve lost my voice”