The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.

June 15, 2006

I woke up, got dressed. I think I wore a blue sparkly tank top from Target with a white skirt. I went to my cousin’s middle school graduation. My cousin’s and I were super close at that time, they were always over at my house and I used to take my little cousin to school each morning in my mustang convertible. It was a celebratory time, as graduations usually are.  My mom was mad that she couldn’t attend because of work, but she had the next day, Friday, off of work to go to her brother’s graduation. We went to lunch, I think it was at Islands but I can’t remember for sure. Then we went to see Cars in the theatre. Continue reading “The day before my mother’s murder, then and now.”

It’s a wrap- May 2018. Masturbation, Sexting & THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

May was masturbation month, and boy did I do a lot of it! Why?

me with my teacher’s pointer on Chaturbate.

Well, I got a lovely box to review which came with my new favorite toy (keep an eye out for my review coming up in two weeks!). Every time a company sends me a new vibrator, it quickly becomes my new favorite(LOL). I think it’s because I still have about 10 toys altogether. I’m a newbie. A very happy, easy to impress newbie. I’m sure that will change with time and I will eventually find a vibrator I don’t like.

I also made my grand return back to Chaturbate and have been webcamming again. This also led to tons of masturbation, most of the time with an audience. So I think Masturbation May went quite well on my end! Continue reading “It’s a wrap- May 2018. Masturbation, Sexting & THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING”

My Astrology Reading + a GIVEAWAY, yay!

astrology1I’ve been interested in astrology for a very long time. Mostly just me reading my weekly horoscope, looking up zodiac compatibility, or laughing over my typical Leo traits. When I started seeing people talking about their birth charts and moon/sun/rising signs (seems like it’s happening more and more these days, or maybe I’m just starting to notice the rise in popularity), I tried to google my own and kept getting confused by all the information.

The last few years of my healing journey, I’ve been open to basically anything that helps me better understand myself, so this was right up my alley. Thankfully, Natha and I followed each other on Instagram and started to talk about a reading. Continue reading “My Astrology Reading + a GIVEAWAY, yay!”

Love in Cemeteries

cem2Last night I was crying before bed. I start crying about one thing, and then move to the next, and then eventually land at my mom’s murder. Not every time, but most of the time I end up there. The saddest story of my life. So there I was, crying and comforting myself in the blanket when I thought “I wish my mom was still here. What would it be like if she were?”
I spiraled down the dark rabbit hole of questions. Continue reading “Love in Cemeteries”

April Wrap Up

Mental Health

I hid my desire planner in April. I’d been using it each month to map out my core desired feelings, something that is usually fun and makes me feel organized, but other times it’s just stressful. When a tool that is supposed to be helpful and convenient starts to stress me out, I stop and wonder why I need that stress in my life? It makes me remember that I need to stop and check my routine every now and then, is what I’m doing really working for me? Is planning out my feelings and desires helpful or does it cause me anxiety? Sometimes I force myself to let go of those A-type habits to move forward.

wearing a gag, as per usual. It’s self-care!!! 🙂 I like it because it forces me to shut the fuck up & think about the drool. My mouth & anxiety is silenced for a few minutes, score!

Last month my therapist told me to put my self-care time into my calendar since I used that as my daily guide. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what my self-care really is? Sometimes it’s cleaning and organizing, sometimes it’s making lists (I believe both of those can really help OR hinder my anxiety, depending on the month), sometimes it’s taking nudes, sometimes wearing a gag (see to the left), sometimes masturbating. It feels like it’s always changing. Maybe I’ll get into my self-care routine next month. Continue reading “April Wrap Up”

EMDR: “I did the best I could”

4/23/2018 just before EMDR session

*Content Warning: PTSD, homicide, trauma*

My first EMDR session:

The memory we are working with today is the most terrifying memory I have from the night of my mom’s murder/my attempted murder, it is the moment the stranger in my house enters my mother’s room where we were both at.

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago what the hardest part of the whole night was, and I was stumped. No one has ever asked me that before. The whole night is so fucking horrifying and surreal, it almost feels insulting to ask what the worst part was. I had to think a moment, but I was honest with my therapist.

I want to say the hardest part is watching my mom get stabbed. But that would be a lie.” Continue reading “EMDR: “I did the best I could””

Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off

The first few years after my mom’s murder I call ‘blackout years’, I don’t remember too many details about life at that time. My only goal was to survive. I completed my first year of college right before her death, so naturally, I tried carrying on with school and other things 18-year old’s do. The first class I signed up for was a photography class, I thought it would be an easy entry back into school after my life had changed so much (I also had a crush on a lovely girl who told me she was signed up for that class if I’m being honest, but hey, whatever works, right?). Continue reading “Mental Health Diaries: PTSD & meeting myself where I left off”