I hid my desire planner in April. I’d been using it each month to map out my core desired feelings, something that is usually fun and makes me feel organized, but other times it’s just stressful. When a tool that is supposed to be helpful and convenient starts to stress me out, I stop and wonder why I need that stress in my life? It makes me remember that I need to stop and check my routine every now and then, is what I’m doing really working for me? Is planning out my feelings and desires helpful or does it cause me anxiety? Sometimes I force myself to let go of those A-type habits to move forward.
Last month my therapist told me to put my self-care time into my calendar since I used that as my daily guide. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what my self-care really is? Sometimes it’s cleaning and organizing, sometimes it’s making lists (I believe both of those can really help OR hinder my anxiety, depending on the month), sometimes it’s taking nudes, sometimes wearing a gag (see to the left), sometimes masturbating. It feels like it’s always changing. Maybe I’ll get into my self-care routine next month.
My former sex coach gave me similar advice as my therapist did, to schedule my networking and meetup groups on my calendar or else I won’t ever make it to them. It’s hard to find a balance for me being a shy introvert, and also someone who can thrive in group environments and needs so much connection to feel whole. I’m always sad that I don’t make it to the polyamory meetups or other sex-positive events in my community. Another thing to try harder on next month :/.
A big breakthrough happened for me in healing from my mom’s murder this month when I went to my first EMDR session. I will be going every two weeks, and I plan to write about it each time. It was so intense, and I couldn’t believe the impact it’s had on me so quickly. Be sure to click on the link above to find out all the details about that session. I’m already struggling with how to make this a consistent thing between my back and forth living situation in two counties, and my very busy schedule. It seems the problem of the month has been finding the time for everything. Blah. (and also, what a very boring month. Let’s get to a good part already….)
The event of the month was Exxxotica Denver. Last year I told my good twitter friend from Denver “I just know that in 2018 we will meet in person!” so obviously, Exxxotica seemed an even sweeter deal. I packed my two blue snowball mics in the hopes of recording with several guests, and off I went.
I LOVE traveling. It’s much easier for me to get on a plane and go off to a new city for a weekend event than for me to drive my ass through Los Angeles traffic. I normally feel lighter and less anxious while I’m out of town (this is also why in the past I preferred to date people who live out of town).
When I got to Denver it was snowing. SNOWING! Lightly, mind you, but it still blew this California girls mind. The tip of my nose felt frozen and I was worried it was turning blue (LOL!). I packed a pencil skirt and dresses, so I clearly was not ready to be this cold. It was an experience I don’t get at home, that’s for sure.
This was the first time I had a hotel room all on my own. Seriously, I have never, ever stayed alone in a hotel once. Once I got there I felt nervous that I wouldn’t be able to handle it (thanks PTSD!), but I ended up cozying in so swell that I didn’t want to leave to the event. I got naked and started watching family guy, and felt good to just stay there all night. I’m very glad I didn’t, though!
As I’ve been moving through this sexy, sex-positive blog/podcasting world (and now with my mental health/trauma splash mixed in), I’ve sometimes felt lost with where I fit in. Am I a sex educator? Am I a sex worker? Do I have anything to bring to the table? Well, the answer is yes to all, but Exxxotica is one of the first places I felt those identities merge. It was one of my favorite event experiences by far, and I got to spend time with so many wonderful people!
I was Hudsy Hawn‘s demo bottom and learned a lot about Domhood and kink from her sessions, recorded a podcast episode with Janelle Fennec, spent time with friends who I rarely get to see, as well as met new ones! It was THE BEST! My only regret was not taking some sex toys to play with when I had my free, alone time to play in my hotel. Lesson learned!
See Kristel’s Exxxotica Vlog here! Yep, that’s me getting flogged 😉
and my usualy 1SE Montly Vid! Muah!