I saw a meme on Facebook that said something like
“January was one helluva year- but we got through it!”
and I couldn’t agree more. It felt never-ending… and a lot happened! Now, here we are, already almost in mid-Feb and I’m barely getting around to writing this. Phew.
I am very excited to have my own little blog to be able to do whatever dumb shit I want- like this here wrap up. Who would even read this? I don’t know- we’ll see… at the very least, I’ll be able to look back on my year and remember the fun (and not so fun) details that I would otherwise forget (I have a horrible memory). Let’s dive in, shall we?
January core desired feelings:
(as written in my desire planner)
Did I achieve these feelings?
Yes & No. As always- it’s complicated.
Towards the end of 2017, I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I took a chance on new friendships as well as some dates (Usually, my anxiety is much too high to follow through. BUT I FUCKING DID IT!). I was determined to keep that going- and I did. I went on a fun little submissive kinky-date which ended in me crying hysterically, in a good-er-cathartic way (Pictured to the right. I’ll have to talk more about that later because it’s much too long for this post).
I drove through Los Angeles traffic and got through the terror of parking a few times, alone no less, to meet with a friend, and then with a lovely kink educator. I dropped off my application to several sex stores, interviewed, and started working part-time! Wahooooooo!
Then, in the middle of the month, I went to XBIZ despite almost having a panic attack on the drive through Hollywood (Lolz, just have to laugh now. It sounds ridiculous, but my anxiety around Los Angeles, traffic, parking, and driving, in general, is VERY REAL!) It was absolutely amazing, and I learned so much about the adult industry. I wish I could go back again soon because as usual with events, there’s way too much info to soak up! But I guess I’ll have to wait until next year.
This was one of the most challenging months that I can recall for my mental health and wellbeing. It seems as though all the changes I’ve been going through for the last 6 months came crashing down on me at once. Then, I stumbled upon some information that made everything so much worse. I stopped eating out of stress, had horrible PTSD and flashbacks, slept too much or not enough, and carried panic in my body for what felt like forever. It is getting a little better now, I am breathing again ❤ and I am feeling extremely thankful. While I was at my lowest I had to say no to a lot of things and practice some boundary setting. There was calmness and peace in that, despite the challenges this month held.
On January 19, we had my partner K’s dads funeral service. He passed away right after Thanksgiving, which turned our house upside down. We were living with him for two months before he passed, and we were able to see him take his last breaths at home. My partner has been a warrior since then, making sure the family is okay and still being there for everyone, myself included. It’s a trip to see someone you love so much go through the loss of their parent (since I did as well in 2006, and am still very much grieving). I don’t even know if I’m helpful sometimes, I just look at her and want to squeeze her face and say “I know… this is the worst” and cry with her.
I’m thankful that I was able to find some routine this month. Everything was harder than it had to be because of my anxiety and stress levels. But I got through it. Having a job outside of the home was a new challenge, and since I’m sharing a car right now I had a lot of time to kill after being dropped off and while waiting for my shifts to start. I used this time to create my new patreon to write about things I wouldn’t share here & to try to make money for things I have coming up. I am beyond thankful for the handful of folks who signed up. I had a little moon party which felt light and carefree, a perfect way to end the month and usher in some new energy and positive intentions for February.
Books I finished this month…
New Year, Same Trash: Resolutions I Absolutely Did Not Keep by Samantha Irby
We Are Never Meeting in Real Life.: Essays by Samantha Irby
Lightworker Relationships: Creating Lasting and Healthy Bonds as an Empath by Sahvanna Arienta
Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Sex Positive by Kristen J. Sollee
Thank you for reading my wrap up! If you’ve enjoyed it, please share. Can’t wait to see what this new month has in store. Let me know what awesome (or terrible) things happened to you last month… xo